


A Very Important Holiday

by ScientistSalarian



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Banter, F/M, Humor, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Snark, adorableness, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 16:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11786973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScientistSalarian/pseuds/ScientistSalarian
Summary: Joker and Shepard devise a prank that inevitably goes awry. This is a treat for Spec Recs 2017





	A Very Important Holiday

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DragonWyrd316](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonWyrd316/gifts).



Giggles could be heard eminating from the cockpit. These were not the giggles of people who were enjoying a funny movie or perhaps even a dirty joke. These were the giggles of two people who were plotting something.

Garrus peered around the corner to where Joker and Shepard were whispering and laughing. "Anything I need to be concerned about?" He asked cautiously.

"Nope!" The two voices rang out in unison.

"Riiiiiight." Garrus said suspiciously as he walked away slowly. 

As soon as they were alone again, Shepard and Joker went back to plotting. "So I'm thinking...we tell Javik that this is a very sacred human practice and that by not participating, we will all be very offended."

"Don't you think he'll enjoy offending us though?" Shepard asked.

"True...very true." Shepard leaned in close as she and Joker pondered what to do. "What if we said that it's not just a human thing, it's a Milky Way thing." 

"Then we'd have to get everyone on board and I doubt Liara would want to and I don't even think Tali physically can..." Joker trailed off as he tried thinking about just how this all would work.

"Ok, we say that quarians are obviously exempt, and maybe Liara is busy with...Shadowbroker stuff. I don't know. We just need enough people to play along to get Javik to believe it." Shepard said with a sense of purpose.

"Get Javik to believe what?" Javik asked unamused. Neither Joker or Shepard had noticed him standing at the entrance to the cockpit. His arms were folded and a scowl was etched into his face.

Joker and Shepard's eyes locked in a moment of panic. "We just thought you wouldn't believe our strange custom." Joker began slowly as he tried to think of a way to salvage their prank. "It's um...it's a holiday that's coming up."

"A very important holiday!" Shepard interjected.

"Yes...very important holiday." Joker reiterated as he stalled desperately for time.

"I do not care about your primitive traditions." Javik answered coldly.

Shepard and Joker gazed at one another hoping one of them would come up with something. "It actually goes against Alliance regs not to participate!" Shepard said a bit too enthusiastically.

"That somehow seems...unlikely." Javik answered shutting her down. "Regardless, I have no wish to be a part of your strange customs."

"I think the two of you better quit while you're behind." EDI said shaking her head as she had seen people do to express dismay. "I really don't think you're going to convince him that a 'Pants Off Dance Off' is a real thing." 

"Dammit EDI!" Joker and Shepard cursed nearly simultaneously. 

Javik narrowed his eyes and stalked off muttering under his breath about what pathetic beings he'd been saddled with. 

"Ok so perhaps not our best plan." Joker finally admitted. "I mean the concept was gold obviously, but the execution was definitely lacking."

"You think!?" Shepard said rolling her eyes. She gently draped her arms over Joker's shoulders and kissed him warmly on the cheek before he turned to catch her lips in a quick kiss. 

"Maybe our pranks would be a little better if I wasn't so distracted all the time." Joker said in an accusatory tone. 

"I love you Joker but if you want to go back to however many zettabytes of porn you've got stashed away in our computers, I'll understand." She held her hands over her face pretending to cry. "I'll understand, for the sake of our beloved pranks, I'll understand."

Joker turned his chair to face her and gave her a look. He made eye contact with her and didn't break until her resolve did. Shepard couldn't maintain the ruse any longer and burst out laughing. Joker looked at her triumpantly, "You wouldn't be able to keep your hands off me if you tried, Commander. Besides, something about my ability to handle the Alliance's most important asset seems to make you want me to handle the Allience's other most important asset." Joker raised one eyebrow and grinned.

"If one of those so-called 'assets' that you're referring to is me, I will throw you out the airlock, Joker." Shepard said with all the authority she could muster while trying not to show her amusement.

"Did I say 'asset'? I meant very important Commander and Spectre and last hope for the galaxy and also a wonderful girlfriend who is very beautiful I might add, and most importantly would never ever throw her boyfriend out an airlock." He said so quickly that he found himself tripping over the words.

Shepard kissed him once again and let her fingers intertwine with his. "That's better." She said sweetly. "Think the galaxy can wait for its last hope for half an hour or so while she makes it up to her boyfriend for threatening his life?" She asked seductively.

"I'll punch a Reaper in the face personally if it means actually getting some alone time together." He answered in a tone that showed that he was deadly serious.

"Well, I feel better about it already." She said as she locked the cockpit door. She walked back over to Joker and began slowly running her hands over his body. "Now where shall we start?"


End file.
